you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just want nice things and good sex
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
