She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
