i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
