i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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