VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I just googled if crying burns calories
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
