Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
