the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
