my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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