that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
