i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He told me they were just razor bumps!
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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