You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
