I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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