I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
