Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
