When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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