so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We're too hungover to prance.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
