Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
