I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
