I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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