im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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