I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
