Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
