wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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