we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
