I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
