No, drunk sperm still make babies.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
