upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
