life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
