It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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