ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
