She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
