remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
