WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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