Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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