I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
