then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I want to have your abortion
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
