No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
