I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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