I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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