When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
