meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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