Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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