we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
