i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
