Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
