Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
