if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
