1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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