Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
