She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
