I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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