i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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