Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
