I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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