Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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