She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
