Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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