i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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