just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
